Sales Insight #886: How to Un-Self-Sabotage Yourself & Take Control of Your Sale
There is a part of you that is ruining your sales…but that part thinks it’s helping. Let me explain.
There’s a reason you delay following up. There’s a reason you are prone to lowering the price. There’s a reason you talk for nine straight minutes after the prospect asks one simple question.
It’s not that you’re not sitting there plotting how to blow the sale. It’s that your brain thinks it’s trying to keep you alive.
You know that feeling when your prospect hesitates, and you feel like something terrible is about to happen? You feel an internal pressure, so you do something that makes the tension disappear.
You back off.
It feels better immediately, but now you’ve screwed the sale.
So how do you stop all of this? Don’t worry. Coach Dan has a plan.
Your Self-Sabotage Is Trying to Protect You
We think of self-sabotage as proof that we’re lazy, undisciplined, or secretly determined to fail. That isn’t what’s happening at all.
Your survival system can’t reliably tell the difference between physical danger and emotional danger. Rejection, embarrassment, conflict, judgment, and disappointing someone can set off the same alarm as leaning over the ledge of a 500-foot cliff.
When your prospect says, “I can’t afford it.” you fear they’ll reject you or think you’re greedy, so you offer a smaller package before even trying to negotiate. You feel an instant hit of relief. Wonderful! Except you just taught them that you don’t believe in the price you stated. Now relief turns into regret.
The prospect says, “I need to think about it.” You don’t want to seem pushy, so you say, “Absolutely. Take all the time you need.” Again, you feel relieved as they walk away, but then, boom! Regret.
You didn’t decide to ruin the sale. You chose the behavior that made you feel safest in the moment.
The Protection Works. That’s the Problem.
If self-sabotage made you feel worse immediately, you’d probably stop doing it. You keep doing it because it works.
Avoiding the follow-up saves you from feeling ignored. Rewriting the proposal for the fourteenth time saves you from having it judged. Giving away another hour of free advice lets you feel helpful instead of asking someone to make a decision that could result in a “No!”
Even being ghosted can give you a strange kind of relief. At least they didn’t reject you to your face. You get to keep the hope alive without risking the rejection.
But immediate relief always sends you the bill later. The opportunity goes cold. Your prospect doesn’t get helped. You keep hoping they’ll magically decide to sign up. They never do.
Should you feel bad about it? No. Feeling bad is self-indulgent, and how long you feel that way is up to you.
Let me give you something to do instead. When you think you mishandled a sales moment, stop beating yourself up and ask:
- What happened immediately before I backed off?
- What did I fear would happen?
- What feeling was I trying to escape?
- What did getting that relief eventually cost me?
Those questions expose the trade you made. The place where you exchanged progress for protection.
Fear Loves to Borrow Your Best Qualities
Let’s talk about fear.
Fear often puts on a disguise. It hides in the qualities you’re proud of, like kindness, patience, thoughtfulness, preparation. Fear uses those qualities as an alibi.
You say, “I’m just being helpful,” while giving your prospect free consulting.
You say, “I want to get it right,” while you rewrite an email a million times.
You say, “I’m respecting their process,” while not calling them back after they ghosted you.
Pay attention whenever you hear yourself say, “I’m just…” or “I don’t want to…” There’s usually some bullshit coming next.
You probably do want to be helpful, patient, and respectful. The question is whether that quality serves your prospect or just protects you from discomfort.
Your strengths become self-sabotage when you use them to avoid getting things done.
Take Control With One Uncomfortable Move
The first step is to recognize when you’re hiding from discomfort with an alibi. When you do, instantly move into the discomfort instead of away from it.
When you catch yourself overexplaining, stop and say:
“Let me pause. I’m giving you a lot of information. What part of this matters most to you?”
Then listen. Don’t answer your own question because the silence makes you feel awkward.
When you want to let them off the hook with an “I’ll think about it,” don’t!
“Of course. When you say you need to think about it, what do you still need to think through?”
When you want to discount your fee before fully understanding their concern, state the price and stay present. If they react, try:
“I get it. That may feel like a lot. What comes up for you when you hear that number?”
When you’ve delayed the follow-up because you’re “respecting their space,” say:
“I don’t want to chase you, but I also don’t want to leave this hanging. Is this still something you want?”
None of these statements forces a yes. They keep fear from manufacturing a dishonest ending.
Before you make the uncomfortable move, use a simple guardrail. Ask whether it’s true, useful, and intended to create clarity rather than control. Then make sure you’re willing to respect the answer, including a real no.
If you can do that, take the action.
Progress Is How Fast You Come Back
The fact is, you’re going to get triggered again. You’ll talk too much, back off, fill a silence that should have stayed silent, or forget every brilliant sales lesson Coach Dan has taught you.
That doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re a human being having a sales conversation.
Stop measuring progress by whether you win the sale or not. Measure how quickly you notice your hesitations, how long your old patterns run the conversation, and how fast you return to taking control of the conversation.
You’re also allowed a do-over.
If you catch yourself overexplaining, say, “Let me back up. I started giving you more information than you asked for.” Then tell them the truth about why buying now makes sense.
If you ended the call in limbo, follow up with, “I realized I didn’t schedule a follow-up. Let’s talk again on X date and X time.”
A do-over doesn’t make you look weak. It makes you look honest, aware, and present.
Catch It Once
Don’t try to eliminate self-sabotage forever. Just catch it once.
Catch the moment you want to soften your price, delay the follow-up, keep explaining, or accept a vague maybe. Ask yourself, “What am I protecting myself from right now?” Then choose one honest action that puts you back in charge.
Whether they buy is not the measurement of success. The win is noticing when your protection mechanism tries to hit the eject button, and you choose to stay in the pilot’s seat.
That part of you is allowed to feel afraid. It just doesn’t get to run the sales meeting.
Want to Practice With Me?
If selling feels uncomfortable because you don’t want to pressure people, manipulate them, or sound like every salesy nightmare you’ve ever avoided, join me for the free weekly Selling Authentically Roundtable.
We practice how to lead sales conversations with courage, honesty, humor, and actual humanity.
Join here: https://gordon.coach/roundtable
